hey everyone.

im drinking a chocolate milkshake right now and it tastes so good.

I seriously have something i need to talk about. I need advice too. I dont know how to say it. And thats why i blocked Megan from this site.

Last night, Megan left for New York to visit my aunt, and i was here alone with Ryan. Call me crazy, but he was flirting with me! I didn't know what to do. At first i was just ignoring it, but then i got caught up in the moment- everyone knows what thats like, right? and we started making out! it was awful.. and i wasn't even thinking, this is my sisters fiance. what am i doing? and... i gave him a blow job. I sound like a whore i know, but he asked me to, and i was not listening to my consience telling me not to. And then he took off my clothes and we were about to have sex! i was so scared because it wasnt voluntary now, he was kind of hurting me. And i was trying to stop him, but eventually i just stopped struggling when he was thrusting. I was never this way, i would never do this, and i dont know why i did. I guess when we were having sex i thought of Megan. And how i would never tell her, and if he did i would get kicked out. It was a one night hook up, but what makes it worse is that it was with my sisters fiance. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???  i was talking to my friend Rilee, and she said that because i was raped at such a young age, i dont know the difference between right and wrong when it comes to sex. Im not sure i agree with her, but it sounds right. When me and Ryan were together, i thought about not doing it, but i did it anyway- like i couldnt stop myself. I feel like a whore. Not only am i pregnant, but i just had sex last night with my sisters boyfriend. ITs like a jerry springer show. I really need some advice and my psychiatrist. ill update later.      *sad and confused*         summer.